Link's, uhh, Awakening
by Jadely
Summary: Or, 'Excuuuse me, princess.' A not-so-silent Link shows up at the castle, believing it his duty to guard the 'triforce of wisdom.' However, his mysterious change of character causes far more trouble than good. What's Zelda to do with a hero that won't shut up unless he's puckered up? Will Link ever return to normal? Based off the cartoon series, post TP.
1. Sing for the Unicorn

_**I had the thought, 'what would Link be like if he actually talked more in Twilight Princess?' and somehow, this monster was born. If you haven't seen them before, check out the Zelda cartoon from the late 80's. This chapter is loosely based off episode 5 of the series.**_

_**I don't own the game or the cartoon, the circus, or anything else of great importance.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

**Why?** Why her?

Perhaps it was... something she had done? Or said? Was this a cruel means of payback?

Or had he finally cracked? Had the events of the past year finally gotten to him, breaking his seemingly indestructible outer defensive shell...?

Or... was this the real him?

She shuddered at the thought.

A loud _TWANG _from outside the balcony caught the ears of the distraught princess, violating her thoughts. A grimace. Out the balcony, an arrow had been shot right through her favorite flower pot, imbedded in the cracks along the stone wall. A rope was tied to the end.

It was him.

"Heeeeey princess!" the smug voice carried from the adjacent tower's balcony where he stood, bow in hand, ready to proudly strut the tightrope he had created. "Are you watching?"

As much as every fiber of her being desired to sprint before he had crossed and began hassling her into kissing him, she chose to stay. He could fall... and then what?

Walking closer to her ledge, she sighed. "This is hardly safe, you know..."

"_Safe_?" he laughed defiantly. "Do I look like a safe kind of guy to you?" He began taking steps of ease across the rope.

"_Well, you use to... but I have no idea what's become of that."_

Now that she thought about it, how had this all started? It seemed such a blur to her... Watching his sly wink sent her direction as he inched closer, it all came flooding back.

Oh yes; she had thought it was a dream. And rightfully so.

_**...A week earlier...**_

The castle hallways were near pitch black as the princess stalked them. The only light came from the stars which were barely noticed through the thick pillars of the corridor. Her eyes had yet to adjust. Restless, unable to sleep and inconveniently hungry as it would be- where else would her feet take her but the supplier of food? Wrapping her shawl over her head in case anyone who happened to be conscious at the ungodly hour should spot her, she snuck into the empty kitchen.

"I know there's cake in here somewhere..." Her eyes scanned from the barren, spotless countertops to the shelves; the search was on.

Rummaging through the cupboards with high, fervors hopes kept her naive to the footsteps behind her and the shadow blocking the exit. Finally emerging with her dessert, both her attention and fingers in the cake, she walked straight into the body. Had she known what universe she had just walked into, she would have opted to stay hungry in her room that night.

But she didn't know.

"Ooof!"

She fell with a thump to the floor, perplexed and embarrassed, barley catching the cake before it toppled onto her lap. A man with questionable, tight orange pants and a green tunic stood tall in the doorway. Disbelief over took her face, for my goodness he looked a lot like...

"Excuse me, princess!"

She blinked. The voice was his; even with the little she had heard of it, she could distinguish it a mile away. But... the tone wasn't. He sounded a lot more like... Aladdin? And the clothes!- or lack of, more so. She hadn't thought it possible for his tunic to get any shorter.

"L-Link? What are you doing here at this time of night? And how did you get past the-"

"I know you love your cake, but now is hardly the time!" He swapped the plate from her hands. "You're in danger!"

"I am?" she jumped up. She wouldn't doubt his word, regardless how... uhh, off... he seemed.

"Yeah! Thank goodness you're not walking around in the open! He could have swooped down and carried you right off! Oh, and by the way," he stopped to hand her three pink daises, each slightly wilted, "I got you these!"

She took them half heartedly. "Who Link? Who could swoop down from this high up? These castle walls aren't an easy feat to get over."

"Seesh," he frowned at her lack of attention to his gift; he had hoped it would _at least_ score him a kiss... even a thanks would have been nice. The cake would be his consolation, he decided. "Ganon, of course. Who else?"

"Ganon!" the intensity in her voice doubled. "But how?"

He licked his fingers. "Well I don't know how he did it, but he's got this white unicorn and he can just fly around like its-"

He rambled on, but she wasn't listening anymore.

_Ganon + Unicorn...? _

"... and so I told that moblin, 'tell Ganon that Link sends his love!' and he just..."

Something wasn't adding up.

"'Oh boy!' but I swear it's always interrupted right when we're about to..."

Ganon couldn't have escaped the hold of the master sword. She hadn't sensed a disturbance or power surge throughout the land; not even a whiff of danger.

"We get so close, I swear its half the plot for crying out lou..."

No, there wasn't a chance he was free. Something was off.

"Kiss me, princess!"

Her eyes blinked sequentially, and it hit her. _"I'm still sleeping... how strange."_ Yes, she concluded this was all a dream, the result of her previous late night snacking. Somehow.

"Well this is rather... peculiar. I really should stop eating so late at night." Looking to the clean-licked plate, she allowed half a frown. "So thanks, I guess, for polishing off my snack... Not that it matters. It's not real."

Now Link looked confused. "Geeze, the cake wasn't that bad. Princesses are so spoiled!"

Had it been reality she would have chosen to take offence to that, but right now she just wanted to get back to her bed and escape this terribly uncharacteristic dream.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" She tried to side step him but he eyed her, displeased.

"To my room..." she returned the look.

"Well it's totally not safe! I'm gonna have to escort you there myself if you really need to go."

"Why in the-" she groaned. "Never mind. Let's just go."

Victorious, he hung his arm around her shoulder in the most sly way possible. She gave him a strange look. Even in her dreams, it was unfathomable of him. "That's what I'm here for, so don't mention it! Unless you want to... I won't stop you."

Yes, she would seriously reconsider before she ever thought about munching at midnight again. Silent as they walked back to her room, she contemplated if it was worth it to hold a 'fake' conversation. Her eyes were so heavy that she worried that she'd fall asleep even as they walked.

Then a thought hit her drowsy state. If none of this was real...

"Link?"

"Princess?" he took his observant eyes from the empty skies.

"What inclines you to wear that dress?"

He frowned. "_Dress?_"

"Yes, who made it for you? Don't you have any other clothes?" Her questions were a mile a minute, unfiltered and honest. _Why not?_ "No one else in Castletown wears clothes like that, you know... It's just so short. What if there's a strong wind or something? Has that ever happened? And why the sudden orange? Orange and green clash terribly."

"Well excuuuuuuuuuuuse me, princess." His arms flew to the air. "If my 'dress' is so offensive then-"

She hadn't even seemed to hear him. "And why don't you visit me more? You're so distant... and quiet." She stopped to think that through better. "Well in reality you're quiet, anyway. You seem to be a very different person in my dreams."

"I am pretty dreamy, aren't I?" A smile. "And you mean you actually **want** me around here more? Not just to guard the Triforce?"

"Well... yes. I do." There was no use filtering her words, she decided- although the Triforce bit confused her a little. "I like it when you're here. It can be so boring... otherwise..."

If he could have clapped himself on the back in congratulations, he would have. His smirk grew.

"You're telling me! But hey... I could definitely stick around." She stopped at her door, seeming to be thinking through something- this was his chance!

Wrapping his arms around her waist, her head shyly and slowly fell to his chest. Glad his charms were rubbing off, his fingers moved to her chin, lifting her face to his. "So, if I'm gonna stick around, I hope that you can reward me properly for my bravery-"

Her head fell back to his chest. She was asleep, and had been since he started talking.

He groaned. "OH! They just keep getting more and more creative, don't they?"

But at least he had got some truth out of her. He had always known she loved him, even if she didn't directly say it.

Yes, he would get that kiss.

_Tomorrow._

* * *

**Fun fact of the day: the cartoon series Link was voiced by Scott Weinger – the voice of Disney's own Aladdin. Cool beans? I thought so.**

**Anyway, helpful critique of the story is always welcomed! It wont be terribly long. Next chapter is on the go.**


	2. Lookin' Good

The princess couldn't have possibly asked for a better morning after such a terrible night.

She was still rubbing her eyes as she walked out into the crisp morning air, yawning and stretching. A warm breeze blew through her nightgown, which she reasoned safe to wear considering the early hour's lack of eyes. Besides- no one would see her up here. The balcony caught every ray of the warm sunlight, letting it fall over her fair skin and chestnut hair, far too high for the average eye to witness.

"_Yes... ruling the kingdom can wait a few more minutes,"_ she decided, lashes closing over her eyes. Standing at the ledge, she stilled the thoughts already rushing through her mind. Keeping herself from brooding on the demands of the upcoming day was the only way she could enjoy peace in the morning.

A bird swooped for her shoulder. She could hear its wings hum as it serenaded her with its simple melody. She ran her fingers through her hair, fully relaxed. An unstoppable smile claimed her lips.

Despite her relaxing moment, images of her dream came creeping back the more alert she became.

Link... Hmm...

She hadn't seen him since Ganon had been sealed away months ago. As much as the nature of her dream was strange, she couldn't help but wonder how their hero was doing now. Was he home? Was he happy? Was he-

_**TWweeeehHEET WOOO!**_

_... peering out of a window in the empty tower across from her? Was that was he was doing these da-_

Her eyes flew open, wide and horrified. How-

"Lookin' gooooood, princess! Especially from this angle!"

Dumbfounded, she simply gawked at the boy hanging from the window, grinning at her as though he owned the place. His voice was incredibly cocky and- wait, his voice? Since when did Link talk, let alone whistle at girls? Vague parts of dreams burst back through the doors of her memory and her eye twitched.

"_No_," she mouthed. _Nononononono-_

How? It couldn't be... but...

She swallowed hard. Suddenly, everything wasn't so nicely surreal in her mind. Why else would Link be at the castle, poking out the window if that dream hadn't been real? Her eyes narrowed as she observed him closer. Were those... his pajamas?

**Why** was he in his pajamas?

Small giggles sounded from over her head. She looked up, almost expecting that singing bird to have magically developed a voice with the rest of the bizarre events going on. However, she met something worse- a pink, squealy fairy.

"You really should have worn your housecoat, you know," she continued giggling. Her voice was that of a hamster being stepped on.

Zelda's mouth opened, full of question as to who she was and how she had the nerve to 'I told you so,' a royal, but it quickly closed when the princess realized Link was still unceremoniously whooping at her. Turning on her heels, cheeks flushed red, she ran back to her room to get away from the annoying laughter and hungry eyes.

/\/\/\

Although she had to force herself to do it, she was walking towards the room. Link's room. She shuddered. No doubt this had something to do with what her drea- er, what had happened last night, that is. But that didn't help explain much. What was he doing here? Was this really the Link she knew, the Link who had saved her kingdom from the clutches of perpetual twilight?

Stopping at the door, she hesitantly lifted a hand to knock. Really, she was scared to know what was on the other side. She didn't want to knock.

But she did anyway.

"Huh?" The sound of a sword sheath rang through the wooden door.

"Uhhh... Link?" Lack of speech skillfully dried her tongue.

"Oh, heh heh, sorry!" The door swung open, revealing more of Link's thighs than even his usual tunic was guilty for. Only now, they were fully bare and she felt almost violated simply looking his direction.

_What're we rated again? PG?_

"I thought you might be a monster after the Triforce!" Link was either oblivious to his lack of proper attire, or completely shameless. She leaned more to the latter.

Distracted from her first intention of coming to him, she shielded her eyes, opting to look down the hallway instead. "Link, WE are the Triforce. I thought you knew this? Both you and I have-"

"BOY, it's a good thing I'm here to look out for this kind of stuff 'cause you have nooooo idea what's going on."

She chose to ignore that. There was obviously more wrong with him than she thought. "Yes, what exactly _are_ you doing here? Of course you're always welcomed, but... randomly showing up is very unlike you. Even stopping in is rather uncharacteristic to your terms."

He tsked. "And now your memory is failing. Really princess, are you sure you're feeling well today?"

Behind fanned fingers, she gave him a look of disgust. It took everything within not to smack her head into the wall.

His smug, toothy grin pointed directly to her. "_YOU_ told me to guard the Triforce of wisdom! Remember?" She looked blankly at the floor. No; she definitely didn't remember that one. "But you are right about one thing- I wouldn't be here without a good reason. I mean, I could be roaming the world, fighting monsters, sleeping in mud; living a hero's life! Though, I couldn't leave you all alone here now, could I?"

_... Sleeping in the mud? _

Her eyebrows perked as she looked into his self-claimed room. It seemed he had taken it upon himself to destroy it, for half of the furniture was smashed across the room and the curtains had been torn down. Reasoning it better not to ask, she stepped around him into the mess. Above the wreck, a wooden pedestal sat holding a triangular glass vase, sparking in the sunlight of the open window.

"What's this here for?" She motioned to the centerpiece with a quizzical brow.

"...You know... if you're forgetting why the Triforce of wisdom is in my room, maybe you should go back to bed." He walked over to it and repositioned it so that it was perfectly centered, sighing proudly. "I could walk you back there. Or..." he shot her a sly look, "maybe a _kiss_ would help you wake up?"

"I-I...-" Zelda stammered.

His lips puckered towards her eagerly. "Kiss me, princess!"

"Er, I have a better idea," she pressed a finger over his pout. "How about you stay here and guard the..." _the flower vase? Really?_ "...the Triforce... Yes. There's a magician's conference I'm to attend in town today, and I'd hate to leave the castle unprotected."

He groaned. "Awe c'mon! Why do you get to do all the fun stuff?"

"Well- I'm the princess." Her quick reasoning held no real logic, but she was already more than uncomfortable with the turn of their conversation and rather keen on getting out before he tried something. She was back through the door before he had a moment more to process. "I trust I can count on you, Link."

"Yeah... yeah fine." She gave a relieved smile, turning to leave. "Hey, by the way- do you know what's wrong with the Triforce? It's not floating and shimmering like usual."

"_Could have something to do with it being an inanimate object..." _Outwardly, she simply shook her head. "Maybe it's sleeping? Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. I'll be back later; you just stay here."

Watching her leave, he smirked to himself. "I knew there was a better reason I stuck around this boring castle."

/\/\/\/\

Wasn't there a better reason this gathering had been called? The princess sighed at the sight before her; the conference had been nothing but an eccentric spectacle of rabbits out of hats here, fiery fingers there, floating goats over the fountain- Zelda was tiring of it. The only even slightly useful presentation had been the shoe stink removing charm. But she had had to smell that...

This was not what she had been hoping for.

"Sirs," her pale hands rose, catching the attention of the many magicians before her and setting Castletown square very quiet, _very_ quickly. A few goats dropped into the water behind her as their owner's concentration faltered. "While I must say this is all very impressive in its own terms, none of this is a help to our country. I've gathered you all together to find ways to benefit Hyrule, not turn it into a circus. Please- doesn't someone have something useful?"

The crowd looked over itself thoughtfully and a low mumble rolled about them. _Useful__... _ hadn't they heard that word somewhere before?

Zelda was ready to turn back to the castle and pull her hair out when a young boy stepped forward, bowing lightly to her. "You're majesty." He looked up and the princess held in a gasp- he looked like a blade of grass with bulging tuna eyes, thin and terribly clammy.

He didn't seem to notice her reaction, for he carried on. "I believe I have something useful. May I?"

Although caught off guard, she eagerly answered. "Yes; of course."

He lifted a thin wand, waving it about as though he were orchestrating a symphony, and she even wondered if she heard faint music from somewhere in the distance. Expecting something wonderful to happen, the princess leaned forward.

Suddenly, he broke out in spontaneous, obviously over-choreographed dance, dropping to the floor, flopping like a fish and commencing a poor imitation of the worm at one point.

The princess sighed. "4.5, tops. Anyone else care to,"

"No, no!" the boy continued his dance. "Trust me! I'm just catching their attention!"

Her eyes narrowed. "Who's attention?"

True to its cue, the ground began rumbling. Behind her, the fountain shook furiously. The goats bleated.

His dancing stopped.

/\/\/\/\

"What a way to spend the morning," Link groaned. He had been sword practicing for the last hour and was already beyond bored of it. He could only get so good, after all. But when would it pay off? When would Zelda notice?

Sprite, his faithful fairy friend, sat watching from the window, the ever-present longing look on her face as she watched him jump to and fro. "You're getting so good Link!"

"Yeah, not enough for her royal prissiness though." His arms fell to his hips, and his frown almost to the floor. "Sprite, you're a girl- how do I get Zelda to pay more attention to me?"

"Who cares! She's a snot!" Her tiny cheek rubbed happily against his grimace. "You should stick with me!"

"Sprite, you're only three inches tall..."

"What?" she huffed, hands on her hips. "You don't like short girls?"

He groaned. "Sprite-"

A spontaneous and loud crash from outside shook the room and sent the young man tumbling to the floor. "What the-!" Jumping to the window, he gasped at the sight below. A giant octorock was emerging from the town's fountain, sending its giant tentacles crashing through buildings and crushing anything in sight. People were running everywhere screaming.

"Zelda!" He could vaguely see her dodging between the tentacles of the overbearing monster, ready to be smashed at any moment. Without a second thought he had jumped from the window, bounced off one of the tents below and right in front of the giant beast.

"Hey ugly!" he yelled, grabbing the hilt of his sword.

Said ugly turned, wrenching its face in an angered scream when it saw him.

Link wasted no time in pointing his sword the right direction. "I hope you're hungry, 'cause I've got a nice set of pink laser beams for ya!" He jostled his sword towards the octo, expecting a bolt to shoot from it. Nothing happened. "What?"

"NaAWMmmwa!" the beast nearly slammed a tentacle over his head, but he moved fast enough to save himself.

"My sword... what's wrong with my sword?" Not bothering to waste anymore time, he sheathed it and pulled his gale boomerang from his pocket. "Weird, I don't remember upgrading my stuff... oh well." A flick of the wrist, and the weapon was lurched at the beast's belly. Link anxiously waited for it to scream and disappear in a puff of smoke, but the boomerang simply bounced off its stomach.

"EH? Hey! I was trusting you! Stupid little piece of... something... what is this thing made of, anyway?"

"Hee hee..." The beast giggled a little.

Link face palmed himself. "OKAY! That's it! YOU are not supposed to be laughing!"

"Hee he-" he Octo stopped mid laugh, realizing he was right. But then it hit him that Link wasn't supposed to be talking, either. Sure- some yells and the necessary words here and there... but this was way beyond that point. In fact, listening to him babble on, it concluded the Zelda franchise definitely made better waves with a silent hero. Link kept going on and on and on and on, and the Octo cringed.

"...but noOoOoOOOoOoo, do you think Ganon would seriously cut the stink? And so I said excuuuuu-"

"**Gahhh!**" the Octorock screamed, rearing its weapons again. _YES;_ he **needed** to stay silent.

But as it sent another tentacle hurtling down at him, hoping to obliterate his annoying whining, an interrupting arrow struck square in its large eyeball. It wreathed its destructive tentacle away from the color clashing hero and looked to the source of the arrow; The princess- standing on a rooftop and reloading her bow. Before it could scream, slash, move, or anything else, the other eye had been shot out and it slithered back in pain, back down into the fountain.

The town breathed a communal sigh of relief as silence fell.

Link breathed a sigh of complaint. "Haayyy, why'd you get to have all the fun?"

She jumped to the streets. "Ohhh I thought you were having tons of fun there, using your sword as a laser gun and missing the incredibly obvious eye targets- _Its allllllways the eyes, Link-_ while you rambled on. At least you came close to _boring_ it to death."

Link was indignant. "Well excuuuuuuuuuse me, princess, but if you would have given me another minute I could have had you an authentic octorock bowtie!"

Catching sight of a small figure sneaking off into the alleys, the princess jumped. "Hey, you! Stop!"

Guilty as a mouse caught in a mouse trap, the small boy stopped, frozen in the spot. "Uhh- Uhhhmm," he laughed nervously as she stormed over to him.

"What in the world did you do that for? The list of helpful didn't include having the town nearly destroyed by an octorock, young man."

His fingers tapped together nervously as Link stepped alongside the princess, both towering over him. "Who put you up to this?" The hero's voice was almost as intimidating- but not quite so much when you looked at his outfit. "Ganon? Was it Ganon? Are you working for him?"

Zelda's angry look faltered. The boy looked confused. "Ganon? Who's that?"

"You know; pig-faced, squeaky voice, serious temper issues, tires to take over Hyrule at least once a day..." The boy looked at him blankly. "Rides a flying unicorn occasionally...? No? Not ringing a bell?"

"Actually," the boy chuckled nervously. "I just need to perfect my dance spell a little better... it was supposed to summon fish so that we wouldn't have to go all the way to Zora's river, but my worming wasn't convincing enough. I looked like dying human bait and got an Octorock instead."

Zelda sighed. Of all the random things...

Looking around her, she sized up the damage while Link gave the young boy one last attempt at an intimidating look.

"This is going to take a while to clean up..." she shook her head. "_Mental note to self- never start up a Hyrulian Idol. Ever."_

Link smiled deviously. "Oh, pshaw! **WE**," he more than lightly accented the plural, eager to spend time with her, "can get this done in no time at all."

Her lips pursed. It wasn't _this_ clean up she worried so much about. No- it was Link's. Obviously something had happened to him, and she had to find a way to get him back to normal.

Whatever his normal was.

* * *

**Framed off episode 1- The Ringer, which I do not own of course. **

**Whatever angle you're at, let me know what you think!**


	3. Hitch in the Works

**There are three flashback in this chapter (all in_ italics_)- the first one I made up, but the character Douff is from esp.10. The second is based off eps. 5 and the last one is from eps.8. This is definitely the longest chapter I will write, mostly because its more of a insight to what's been happening in the week Link has been at the castle.**

**Also, please see my note at the bottom relating to **_**staunch**_**.**

* * *

"Heyyyy princess!"

Link's voice rang out like a song, sending unintentional shivers down her spine. Knowing all too well what was coming, princess Zelda ducked around a corner, hoping to all things good that he hadn't seen her and that her feeble attempts to hide would pay off. To her luck, Link walked right past where she was hidden in the shadows, his attention caught up in his trail to her room.

The guards stationed at her doors, although increasingly displeased with the hero's poor behaviour by the day, let him pass. When Link disappeared up the stairs, she ran from her hiding place along the corridor's pillars in the complete opposite direction.

"Looks like I'll have to find somewhere else to hide," she sighed.

Already a week had gone by- a disastrous one at that- and she hadn't found **any** hints as to what had caused their resident hero's change of personality. Indeed, it had been a long week, especially after the incident with the 'Triforce'...

/\/

_Disgusted with the smell wafting from his room, even more so upon poking her head in and seeing the mountain sized laundry pile rotting in the corner, the princess had deemed it in dire need of a cleaning. It was beyond disaster point, and if she didn't act now... well, she didn't want to think about it._

_Having busied Link elsewhere in the castle, the butler she had conscripted was free to move in and tackle the daunting, staunch task before him. _

_And it was staunch indeed._

_The small, weathered man sighed sadly as he moved pile after pile down the long and winding staircase. Eventually, he opted to simply rolling hoards of clothing down the stairs from sheer exhaustion and frustration. How had his life come to cleaning up after some washed up, arrogant hero? Did that boy think he could waltz in and do whatever he wanted to the castle just because he killed some 'Ganon' guy?_

"_Just who does he think he is, anyway," the man grumbled to himself, tripping repeatedly through the ruin._

_He had spent hours restoring cleanliness to the chaotic suite, picking up more pairs of underwear, more rotting food and more broken everythings than he had seen in his entire life._

_And this was what kept his curiosity keen on the triangular glass vase upon the table in the middle of the room. For the life of him, he could not understand how it remained untouched, sparkling and dust free from the surrounding carnage. Even after he had finished cleaning the room, he stood pondering its mystery._

"_Well..." he shrugged his shoulders. "I'd hate to see it broken... as I'm sure it's soon to be." Gingerly, he took hold of the delicate object, deciding he would move it before it met with a cruel fate._

_If only he had known that he had just inflicted himself with an even crueler one._

_He made it fine out for the room, gladly shutting the door behind himself. The stairs, although full of smelly laundry, were a relief to walk down only because it meant being farther away from that awful suite. The corridor back to his own room was warmed by the mid-day sun, and so was he as he walked it. Sunlight streamed through flower vase in his dirty, weary hands, gleaming happily in the animated light. _

_And __that__ was what gave him away._

"_HIIIIIIIIIYA!" _

_Scared absolutely witless, the frazzled man threw the vase into the air in seeing the resident 'hero' soaring through a window at him, sword sheathed and eyes crazed. Luckily for him, the airborne adornment fell safely in his lap._

"_So," Link landed with a thud, stepping closer as the butler tried to compose himself. His voice held the tones of a detective studying an extremely important case. "Thought you could steal the Triforce for yourself, did you?"_

"_W-What?" the man stuttered nervously. _

"_Don't you play that game with me, Douff!"_

"_D-Douff?" _

_Who was Douff? _

_The butler shook his head. "Sir, I think..."_

_Link's merciless laugh sent shivers though the poor man, stopping his helpless defence before it had even begun. "I never thought you'd stoop this low, Douff- but I guess you really don't know a guy till he's helped Ganon throw the kingdom to shambles."_

_The poor butler swallowed hard, watching Link point his sword between his eyes. "Sir, I promise you-"_

"_I don't wanna hear what that desert pig promised you! I'll give you one chance to surrender and you better just-"_

_But he didn't just. No, he panicked. _

_Seeing the dangerous glimmer in the hero's eyes and having the tip of his sword far too close for his liking, the butler panicked. He ran, vase in hand, back the way he had come from, screaming as only a little man hunted by the hero of time could scream. _

"_PRINNNNCESSSSSSS!"_

"_It's no use, you good for nothing traitor!" Link yelled, trying in vain to zap the villain with his sword, grumbling under his breath about all his weapons being broken. "When Zelda hears about this, you'll be out of job and into jail!"_

_In the terror of the moment, the man actually wondered if the princess would do such a thing. Here he was, being chased by some crazy hero, threatened with prison- yet he had done nothing wrong! This was a stupid decoration he was trying to save!_

_But looking over his shoulder, he knew the approaching hero wouldn't believe him so readily. He'd probably be impaled before he could exhale a word of sanity to the situation. _

_There was only one choice._

_Throwing the flower vase over his shoulder at the startled Link, the man turned and desperately leapt through the window. _

_Link, who had fumbled to catch the sharply thrown ornament just in time, watched him as though the scene played out before him in slow motion. Finally realizing what had just happened, he jumped up and leaned out of the window, smugly victorious. _

"_Yeah that's right! Get back to where you came from! There should be an underworld entrance just out of Castletown!" He turned, patting himself proudly on the back. "Oh!" he remembered quickly. "And tell Ganon Link send his love!"_

/\/\/\/\

Zelda shook her head.

Not only had she heard the scream, but she had seen the butler fly out of the window, crazed and helpless and had snapped fourth a barrier to save him from his otherwise painful landing in the trees.

In fact, she had been in this very spot in the garden when she had looked up and saw the man spiraling downward. This was also the place he had run screaming from. Actually now that she thought of it, no one had seen him since...

Anyway, the garden seemed to be a safe enough place for now... hopefully Link wouldn't spot her. Or swing by on a rope. Surely he had learnt his lesson the last time.

But... probably not.

/\/

"_Link?" The voice was really more of a comment then a question. _

"_Uhhh yes?" The hero laughed nervously, knowing he had been caught. The dark sky overhead hadn't been much of a cover, so it seemed._

"_What are you doing, sir Link?" the dubious guard asked, stepping suspiciously behind him._

_Currently, Link stood upon one of the castle's many ledges which happened to drop thousands of feet downward, rope in hand and a look of bravery on his face that only someone completely crazy could muster. He had been ready to swing, but now..._

"_Heh heh, I was... Ahh... I was just gonna swing in through the princess' window and try to get her to kiss me."_

_There was a silence for a moment._

"_Not a chance," the guard spoke bluntly._

_Link frowned. "No?"_

"_No."_

_Feeling rather embarrassed at being caught, the hero sighed despairingly. "So much for that..."_

_But the guard wasn't done. Reaching for the flower pot beside them, he plucked a small bouquet of daisies and handed it to the exuberant boy. "Take these! It's too dangerous to go alone!"_

_Link stared at him vacantly._

"_Er," the guard laughed, correcting himself. "Sorry, wrong meme. I mean, you'll need these first- girls loooove flowers. Maybe you'll actually succeed with these, too."_

_Link studied them for a moment. "Flowers... right! Thanks!"_

"_Good luck m'boy!" With a laugh, the guard forcefully pushed him over the edge, sending him flying through the air in the general direction of the princess' window. _

_The closed and locked window._

_The guard's laughter stopped short. "Oh... opps."_

_SPLAT!_

_Shocked, the princess looked up from her book to see none other than Link sliding down her library window, face crammed into the glass. _

"_I thought I was supposed to land on the table..." she could hear his smooshed voice from the other side of the glass. "Well, how 'bout a kiss, princess?"_

_She could only gape at him in disbelief before a look of anger frustration overcame her features. "You're treading on dangerous water, Link." _

_His laugh was muffled. "Oh c'mon, I-"_

"_Stole flowers from MY flower bed again? Yes, I see that."_

_Looking to the daises in his hand and back to her, his chuckles dryly faded._

_WHY was it always __those__ flowers he took...?_

_/\/\/\/\_

It was past dark when the princess finally judged it moderately safe to retire to her room. Recapping the events of the week had been more than she wished for, and all she wanted was to free her mind of them for a while. Never mind the castle being boring- she wasn't sure she could never think that again, for now there was no safe place to be bored! Or think!

Even walking into her room didn't seem safe, seeing that tightrope she had forgotten to _burn_ from Link's more recent late night endeavors...

/\/

_There is a point where even the most patient and wise can take no more._

_For Zelda, that point had been last night. In which she had just gotten to the best part of The Legend of Zelda OoT manga, the moment is ruined by a familiar loud __**twang**__ from her balcony: _

_Breathing deeply- patiently- she glared out at the late hour's stars and pushed herself off her bed, ready to refute rather than run. "Can't I at least have privacy at night time, Link? Don't you ever... sleep...?"_

_Of course Link slept! Not only did he love sleeping in, but he was also a rather hard sleeper to rouse. Perhaps that was why he had shot another rope to her balcony and was walking it again- all while being completely out cold, hands stretched out before him, drool pooling on his bottom lip. She could have sworn he was making some ridiculous kissy face on top of it all. Looking to the cool glass of lemonade in her hand, she readily decided that it would look much better on him._

_SPLASH!_

_Now soaked, sticky and instantly jolted from his sleep, Link shook his head furiously as he returned to the world of the conscious. "Whaa- Whoa!"_

_Realizing his situation only took him only a split second thankfully, for all his fussing and shaking had thrown off his perfect balance and left him clinging to the rope by any available limb before he fell to certain doom._

_In his pajamas, to boot._

"_Just what did you think you were doing?" Zelda's face sunk in cool anger to her palm._

"_What are you talking about?" he reasoned. "I was sleepwalking! Now help me before I fall!" _

_She rolled her sleeves of her house robe back and placed her hands on her hips, defiantly raged. "Sleepwalking? Suuure! You were trying to sneak a quick kiss!"_

"_No I wasn't!" He tried defending himself, but realized really- that was probably __exactly__ what he had been attempting. "Uh, well, maybe I was... But I was asleep! It wasn't my fault!"_

_She huffed and looked away, rage unmoved._

_Link was rather unfazed by this, however. His mind seemed to be elsewhere. "Anyway, can you blame me? Whether I'm awake or asleep, you're the girl of my dreams!" He slyly shrugged, and she couldn't help but smile a little._

"_That is the sappiest line I've ever heard."_

_He smiled, too. "Did it work anyway?" _

_Zelda sighed a sigh she had never wished to sigh. "Maybe if I just kiss him once, he'll leave me alone," she thought abashedly. "Oh, goddesses help me..."_

_Slowly, with very mixed feelings about whether she was making good choices or not, she closed her eyes and..._

_Link remembered this part- this was the part where she'd lean in and her lips would be inches from his, he would smell her lilac scented conditioner and almost reach his goal in life... until loud screaming from somewhere would- as always- steal the moment._

_Yet after a moment of puckering up with his eyes sealed shut, the moment remained. No one screamed for help, Ganon didn't decide to make a timely appearance, nothing shook or broke or started on fire- no interruptions. _

"_This is too good to be true," he thought blissfully. "I can't believe it! Are they finally letting me have my big break? Am I finally gonna get what I deserve?"_

_Being so lost in his own thoughts, he hadn't even realized that a strong wind had blown his pajamas up and past his torso. It wasn't until he heard the princess run away screaming about indecency that his eyes shot open._

"_LIIIIIIIINKKKKK!"_

_They were over his head, almost blowing completely off his body. Desperate, he tried to worm his clothing back into place without the use of his fairly occupied hands. _

"_Princess! I wear boxers, I promise! Waaiiiiiiittt!"_

_/\/\/\/\_

Zelda sighed. If felt as though she had hardly slept. Before she knew it, it was the next morning and she was walking down the corridor again.

As she walked, knowing a certain and terribly drawn out doom awaited her at the hall's end, feelings of foreboding stressed her shoulders. She almost dragged her feet. She almost ran away. If she were truly brave, she would have.

"No," she grimaced against the brazen thought. It had to be done; there was no other way. She was the leader of her country. She owed it to her people to be selfless and brave. This was a sacrifice she had no choice but to make.

Throwing open the wide doors, she stepped into the room bravely.

"Princess," grave voices greeted her.

"Good afternoon... councilmen."

Around a long table sat many grey haired men, eager to tell her how to run the country and possibly ruin her life with randomly stuck marriage proposals from princes and noblemen of random countries.

Begrudgingly, she took her place at the head of the table and they all began vomiting their concerns.

"Princess, the castle isn't good enough. We need repairs!"

"Princes, there's an impending eeeeeviiil approaching! I swear it! I can just sense it! Somehow..."

"Princess, I'm not sure how, but we are all male reincarnations of mostly-female, past-historic sages who aided in the defeat of Ganondorf in Ocarina of Time! We have so many good things to saaaaay!"

"Princess, why doesn't our kingdom have more tacos? Marry a mass productive taco franchising King and unite our lands in greasy gooooooooodness!"

At this point, she wasn't sure if she was imagining things anymore. She simply nodded thoughtfully to (almost) everything they said, while her mind wandered elsewhere.

"Princess!"

"Princess!"

"Hey! HEY! Heyheyheyheyheyhey!"

"Listen!"

"Watch out!"

"Hey!"

She thought she had been through the worst of it when suddenly a voice unfamiliar to her council rang out, worse than all the others.

"Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrincess!" Horrified, she looked up to the ceiling where something orange and green was swinging back and forth on the glass chandelier, imperiously grinning at her. "Excuuuuuuse me! Princess?"

She shoved her chair backward in attempt to get out and run, but someone pulled it out for her.

"Hey princess, look- chivalry! Kiss me!" He leaned in expectantly.

_But how_ had he moved from the ceiling to her chair so fast? In the moment where she looked around the room, one of the worst realizations of her life struck.

He was everywhere. In each of the councilman's chairs, crawling through the windows, hiding under the table, somersaulting over the table, serenading her with soggy tacos, whining, singing, dancing, still swinging on the chandelier- everything all at once.

She tried to scream.

She tried to gasp.

But she was frozen in the most hellish nightmare she had ever faced. Ganon and Zant had nothing on this.

As if the moment couldn't have been worse, the entire room suddenly erupted in a unison chorus.

"Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess!" they synced, looking her way with that eager, aggravating expression.

They were drowning her, smothering her, kissing her! She screamed, and-

**Jolted** awake out of bed, shaking, terrified, never wanting to see another 'taco' in her life... whatever those were really were.

To her relief, she was alone in her room with the pale moonlight. It was only a dream, and that hadn't actually happened... _yet_. Letting her head fall back against the pillow, she groaned. How much more of this could any sane human take? How much more could **she** take?

An idea (or perhaps a last resort) suddenly struck her and she sat back up.

Surely the little village of Ordon had some answers to Link's behavior.

If they didn't, was there even hope?

* * *

**If you have looked up the word staunch and are angrily getting your taco blaster ready, please let me explain. Although staunch has nothing to do with smelly grossness, this is a joke among my whole camp. We thought we made up the word and used in that context till some really smarty pants told us we were using the word wrong. BUT! It sounds like it fits! C'mon, you can't deny it!**

**Take those angry tacos from your weapons of doom! **


	4. The Run

_**This chapter isn't based off any episodes, solely becuase it deals with the Twilight Princess world's characters and explains what the heck happened to Link. The next chapter will be back on track with the cartoon mischief, and this one is full of its own.**_

* * *

Zelda's heart beat flared and pounded in her chest. It felt just as clamored as her horse's hooves, stamping along the ground impatiently as she dismounted. The ride had been one of the fastest she had ever been on, full of anxious shoulder checks and tension. What if he had spotted her and followed? Surely his stealth would out do her any day. He _had_ snuck through the castle perfectly fine just last week.

"_Wait,"_ she smacked her forehead_._ _"The guards would have just let him in."_

Still… she shuddered. She just couldn't rid herself of her anxiousness, especially after that terrible nightmare.

The rising sun was just peaking over the hills of the Ordon woods as she crept into the village. Really, she had no idea where to go. Much to her shame, she hadn't visited the little town since she was very young.

Quietly, she observed the small, peaceful town, trying to decide which way to go._ "The mayor's house seems to be the most sensible place to go._ _Wherever that is..."_

Behind her, a twig snapped. Whipping her head around, she sighed in relief and swallowed her rapid pulse. A few colorful birds were following her inquisitively, their heads cocking this way and that as they watched her sneak around the little village. With soaring nerves, she continued along the worn and warped path.

"_The road to the right looks more worn and weathered..." _she thought_. "Maybe that was the way to the mayor's?"_

"P-princess Zelda?"

Startled, she spun again. A woman carrying a baby in a basket stood by a small creak, a small hand over her mouth in shock.

"U-Uhm..." Zelda, who was still fairly rattled, stood dumbfounded in return. _"Really? Is that the most intelligible greeting I have?" _she groaned inwardly, whapping her head in frustration. This week had just been too much.

Seeing the princess repeatedly smacking herself, the woman's worried expression doubled. "A-are you feeling well, your highness? Oh dear... please, you'd better come with me."

Before the princess could explain herself or even object, she was dragged into a house in the far corner of the village. It was small and cozy with the fire glowing in the mantel and warm, pastel colors lining the walls. She sat at the kitchen table collecting her scattered wits while the woman busied herself with hospitality.

The woman's baby, still in the basket, was staring blankly at her. It felt like it was peering into her soul.

"My goodness," the woman's soft voice snapped her attention back. "What brings you to our humble village all alone, your highness? Is there something wrong? Are you in danger?"

"_Danger is one way to put it."_ Finally feeling herself calm down, her mind smoothed and thus her words began functioning properly again. "Well... yes," Zelda began. "It's Link."

"Oh!" The woman looked as though an awful weight had been removed from her chest. "Thank goodness he's come to you. He's been missing here for the past few days, and we've been so worried about him. My husband, Rusl, went into town yesterday looking for him."

Zelda unintentionally crinkled her nose. "I understand your worry, but Link is very capable of looking out for himself- he saved our kingdom, after all. Does he not leave for long periods of time now and again, ma'am?"

"Please- call me Uli." A warm cup of… er, something… was placed in her hands. "Link is a big boy now, but he just hasn't been himself as of late. Something is terribly wrong with him."

"_You don't say." _Zelda chose to keep that to herself. Looking to her mug, she could have sworn something was swimming in it.

And that baby hadn't stopped staring, either.

Oblivious to the strange string of events, Uli tapped her fingers on her cheek, her mind running back in time. "Yes... it all started about a week ago..."

**-A week ago-**

_Link had NOT been feeling well._

_His sleeps had been terrible, his muscles all ached, his head throbbed…_

_And above all that, he felt like the goddesses were... sighing at him. Almost displeased, somehow. It nagged in the back of his mind, but he couldn't understand what the feeling was. Maybe it was just his imagination? Nonetheless, he half dragged himself around the village, more miserable as the hours passed. Pulling himself to the creek, he let his face fall into the cold water. It ran over his unkempt hair, the only relief he had felt from life in the last few days._

_Unaware to him, Uli stood on the small dock observing him. An __obvious frown appeared on her face the longer watched him dunk his head in and out of the stream._

"_Link? What are you doing, dear?"_

_He didn't answer. _

"_Do... you need some soap? Pert plus?"_

_His face plunged back into the water._

_She sighed. She knew what this was. "Really now; I promise that won't help anything..."_

_He didn't stop._

_She sighed again, setting down her laundry bin and walking towards him. "Come now; let's find a better solution than this." With surprising strength, Uli lifted him from his wallowing and directed him towards her house._

_Had Link known this was where his life would take a turn for the worse, he would have stayed in the stream. He would have just stayed there. _

_Forever._

_It all started with the soup Uli had made for him. She had hoped it would help him feel better. She knew it wasn't just the sickness bothering him- Link hadn't readjusted to the village since returning from his battles. Too much carnage, too many scars- he was hurting. It had been weeks since the land was at peace, yet their hero remained completely silent, and even Rusl could barely coax a nod out of him. _

_And that soup didn't help so much as she believed. Despite her loving efforts, it left a queasy feeling in his stomach. He pressed through her door, deciding he would go home and sleep it off. _

_Of course, he hadn't taken crossing paths with the children into consideration._

"_LINK!"_

"_Oh, Link! Can you make me a sword again?"_

"_Let me borrow your slingshot!"_

"_Tell us a story!"_

_"Buy something..." __He cringed fearfully at Malo's tiny voice and trench coat, suspiciously held open, lined with potions and action figures._

_A sickening feeling welled within his stomach as they jumped on him, tackling him to the ground and making the queues worse. When he saw Malo deviously stepping back to take a picture, he panicked- he knew it would explode all over Castletown's gossip department. Desperate to be alone and preserve his dignity, he ran to the tree over Beth's house._

_Of course it made no sense to do such a thing in his current state, but all he wanted was to be alone. When he reached the top and the kids below had disbanded, he was indeed alone and almost got to breathe a sigh of relief- till the hornets came out, that is. He was swarmed, dizzy, stumbling, tripping- and before he knew it he had fallen from the very top limb, lucky not to have broken any of his own when he landed with a crash._

_But that 'luck' didn't last long; a__fter that, the voices started. __At first he assumed it was from hitting his head as hard as he had, but even his assumptions were being blurred out by the commotion in his head. All he could think about was getting back to the castle to guard the Triforce of Wisdom._

_Wait... ?_

_He stopped mid-step, clear cut confusion contorting his pained face. Hadn't it been home he had needed to go?_

_But if the princess was mad at him, he would get more than the cold shoulder. How was supposed to get a kiss from her if he upset her..._

"..._Link..."_

_Besides, he really didn't want to clean the castle. Maybe he could feign sickness... Oh wait, he was already sick! Hah! Perfect! It was such a beautiful day, after all, and a princess couldn't possibly want to stay inside working on a day like this!_

"_Link?" It was Ilia's calm voice. _

_Now a picnic! That would be waaaay more fun, and he knew just the perfect spot..._

"_LINK!"_

_He snapped out of his daze, groggy and questioning what in the world had been just been going through his head. Ilia stood before him, hands on her hips with that dangerous look in her eye._

"_Link, what's going on?" Her cheeks were pink with jealousy. " I haven't heard you say two words edge-wise in weeks, and now that you ARE talking, it's a bunch of nonsense about kissing the princess?" If Ilia's cheeks were tinted with color, Link's were painted red. Had he really said that? _

_She gruffly took him by the arm. "I think you need some sleep. I just don't know about you lately..."_

_And neither did he. Reviewing his thoughts, he wondered if he were delusional… or completely delusional. Ilia tugged him home while he pondered this all. Since when had he ever kissed the princess, let alone thought about it? He barely even knew her!_

_She opened his door and tossed him in, trying to restrain her anger for his sake. "Just get a good rest, Link. You've gotta bounce back sooner or later..."_

_And the goddesses couldn't help but agree. They had seen the distress of the hero and had decided it was time to intervene; it was sad seeing the Hero of Twilight suffer so. Yes, they would jolt his memory back to happier, easier days and he would be better in no time!_

_So they reasoned. _

_Their laughter was charitable and kind to their own ears, but as it wafted down to the house of the hero, it was devious force assaulting his helpless, sleeping form. He began thrashing about wildly, his sub-conscious terrified, trying desperately to run from the scheming powers he could not escape. He fought and struggled harder than he ever had as their fingers curled round his mind, choking out the last of his own memory- but it was all in vain. _

_He bolted up with a scream not his own, a terrible, high pitched scream._

_It was... 80's._

_Well, 1989, to be exact._

/\/\/\/\/\

Zelda sat back, wide eyed. "That's horrible! Oh.. poor Link." For the first time since this strange incident, she actually felt sorry for him. She had no idea.

"Yes... I feel for the poor boy. He's just so lost! How will he ever return to normal?" She looked down sadly for a moment as Zelda pondered her important question. Indeed; what would it take to fix their broken, annoying, self-centered, cocky-

Noticing the princess turning from a lovely, calm ruler into a volcano, she quickly interjected by holding out a steaming bowl. "Soup?"

"N-no," she quickly remembered the soup was to blame for all of this, and she suddenly felt an urgency to leave. "No thank you. I really should get back to the castle now. Link could be into all kinds of trouble by now."

Uli had looked offended for a short moment, but Zelda's quick logic made her forget the near insult. "Oh yes! You could be very right."

Setting down her cup, Zelda hurriedly brushed past the suspicious stares of the baby and to the door. "Thank you so much for everything. I'll need to go to the library to see if I can find a cure to fix Link."

From back on the table, a fishy head slowly rose from within her mug and watched her leave with slit eyes, hissing quietly. It was about to sink back into its abyss when it noticed that soul sucking baby glaring at it, and it froze, wide eyed. Human babies were supposed to be cute, not-

A loud screech jolted it's already frightened attention away from the baby to a woman dangerously waving around a fishing rod.

"You again!" She reared the fishing rod its direction, but missed by mile. "Dang it! I hate this fishing rod!"

The Zola's fear quickly subsided. He knew it would take her at least twenty minutes to learn how to properly use that evil device. Snickering, it pressed its nose and flushed itself back down the cup.

/\/\/\/\/\

She hadn't burst through the door for more than a minute before she found him. Or, he found her, to be correct.

"Princess!" A genuine smile over took his face as he stopped her in the hallway. "Where in Hyrule have you been all day? Hiding from my endearing charms? Getting too be too hard to resist?"

She tried to sigh sympathetically, but... well, it didn't really work very well. She _had_ felt sorry for him until he was babbling in front of her again. But still- now more than ever- she was determined to help him! She would help him get back to normal if it were the last thing she ever did.

Although, she really hoped it wasn't.

"Link, you're not feeling well, are you?" she asked as he followed her determined stride down the castle corridors.

He felt himself over, shrugging a little. "Well, I could… Are you really saying you want me to be sick so you can lovingly tend to me?" His smile was devious. "Cause I can do that."

She shook her head. "Link, your memory has been taken over with some strange, completely out of character…"

He wasn't sure what she was talking about, but he nodded anyway.

"Ignorant, annoying, self-obsessed, flirtatious, filthy, mis-matched-"

He frowned. "Alright, alright. Easy on the ego."

"-cocky, shameless, maddening, self-inebriated, repetitive-!"

He covered her mouth, interjecting placidly before she could pull a thesaurus out of- "OKAY! Yeah, yeah! I get the point already! Yesh…"

She glowered at him for a moment. "…by some past incarnation of yourself. Though I hardly dare say I see the similarities, _somehow_, you were him once. But don't worry- I'm finding a way to get you back to normal."

"Normal?" his frown deepened.

Before he could ask anything more, the princess threw open two massive, heavy oak doors. "There must be something-"

She gasped, horrified.

The councilmen all stood, caught off guard in the small bookroom, trying to hide the multitude of tacos they had prepared as a promotion.

Any useful concern, any piece or wisdom or sanity- anything calm flew out the window. She ran down the hall, holding back her nonsensical screams, silent terror her only motivation not to look back. Surely this wasn't another dream.

Surely.

Dejected, the men looked down, utterly disappointed. "Whose dumb idea was this taco thing, anyway? Now she won't even listen to the impending danger ready to impede Hyrule!"

"... now, are we really sure about that?" another spoke up. "Cause we could have the wrong fanficton here...it's a common occurrence among us, after all."

Awed, they all nodded solemnly. Yes; that was it. They were in the wrong story! They needed to ruin some other author's princess.

Link, however, remained at the door, eyes wide and mouth even more so.

"Taco party time! Do you know how long I've been waiting for this?"

* * *

**I poke fun at the councilmen deal because I too am guilty :) **


	5. The White Knight

The streets of Hyrule bustled with early morning shoppers and merchants as the two walked through them.

"So," Link spoke slowly, as if the words were the strangest thing his ears had ever heard. "You're trying to tell me that YOU are the Triforce of wisdom?"

"No, no. Well... not quite. But sort of. I mean..." she brought her hand up to eye level and pointed to the undying mark. "Look, its right here, see? I hold the Triforce of wisdom, and you hold the Triforce of courage."

Nonchalantly snagging an apple from a cart as they passed by, he bit into it and began speaking with his mouth full. "Hey, *maufmauf* I've only heard of two triforce pieces."

Zelda eyed him. "If there were only two pieces, it would be called a Biforce."

He simply shrugged and took another chunk out of the apple. "I always wondered about that. But I've never *chompchomp* heard of a courage piece."

She reached for his hand. "Yours is just like mine, it'll show…" she trailed off as she turned his palm over, for there was no mark anywhere.

She swallowed hard.

Link, however, paid no attention to the pained expression on her face. _She was holding his hand! _Sort of half heartedly, but still!

"I feel the same way about you, princess." He wrapped his hand around hers and smiled coyly, but she was too lost in her thoughts to fully notice.

"_Is this the goddess' idea of a joke?"_ The princess, with confusing theories and ideas filling her head, turned her gaze to the sky. _"Or is this just some sort of cruel magic?"_

He had been about to lean in for a kiss when Link's eyes fell on a blacksmith busy at work in his shop in the distance. Tools and sparks flew this way and that as one sword after another was beaten into red-hot, submissive perfection. But observing him closer, he suddenly realized that the blacksmith wasn't actually touching any of his instruments- not even the sword. They were all operating on their own!

"Z-Zelda!" He pointed out the blacksmith, and the princess half nodded.

"Magic is very common in Hyrule. Everyone seems to know a little of it; just small bits for everyday life."

The blacksmith pointed to the fire, and it grew double in size and heat before the sword placed itself in the flames.

"Whoa," Link breathed, obviously impressed.

"Yes…" finally realizing her hand was still caught in his, she embarrassedly took it back. "But it seems most of them have yet to find any way to put that to good use for the kingdom's benefit."

Unbeknownst to her, she had lost him at 'good use'; the simple words had sparked an idea, and a very conniving one, at that.

His smile was handsomely crooked. "Hey, you wait here. I'll be right back."

Before she had a chance to ask, he was running over to the blacksmith. Looking up through his gruff, bushy eyebrows at the approaching clash of orange and green, the man grimaced a little.

"Hey friend, can you help me out?" Link smiled eagerly.

Thinking he was a customer, the man started his usual spiel. "Sure bud. I got shields, swords, bows, arrows, megaton hammers, heart pieces, an old Super Nintendo..." He leaned in and hushed his voice. "And just for you- a different, stylish tunic. But don't mention it to anyone. Especially my wife."

Ignoring the jab, Link also leaned in and picked up the whisper. "Actually, I need your help with a little magic. Do you have any spells... or stuff... that'll get a girl to kiss you?"

The blacksmith leaned back, unimpressed. "Hey, do I look like a magazine to you? I'm a blacksmith, bud. I only gots the magic that'll help me out- and hardly enough to count at that."

"Well excuuusse me, prin- er," he coughed, catching himself quickly, "-pal, but you did just offer me a change of wardrobe, and I don't know many guys skillful in that department." What were visible of the man's cheeks went red through his beard, and Link grinned. "See, you've got a helpful womanly side to you. And between us men, I need that help right now."

The blacksmith looked to the floor. Around him, the tools continued working themselves.

"Well..." he finally sighed. "I have a little something I use for my wife when she's angry with me. C'mere."

Link scrambled to the chair beside him, listening intently as the man whispered in his ear and occasionally nodding thoughtfully. "That's it?" he asked when the man was done.

The gruff man smiled. "That's it. All you need is some water and some will. She'll love it."

Mumbling a thanks, Link booked it for Castletown square, not catching the man's off-handed warning about the infestation in the market's fountain. The blacksmith shook his head at himself. "Opps... guess I shoulda mentioned that sooner." He looked over his shoulder nervously. "I just hope my wife doesn't find out..."

Excited that he had found a fool-proof way to please the princess, Link jumped onto the ledge and dramatically threw his hands at the water, a look of intense concentration plastered on his face as his hands swayed back and fourth. Eventually, the water began to ripple a little.

"... Link, what are you doing?"

His focus broke as he turned his head to the cringing princess and with it, he had ignorantly broken the first and most important rule of magic.

Rule #1: Never break your focus.

"Oh, perfect! What's your favorite color, princess?" His hands were still pointed towards the water, but his attention was on Zelda's pursed lips. He didn't see the water stirring before him. "I forgot to ask you before I ran off. Pink? Purple?"

She grimaced. "I like white, actually."

"White?" his eager expression dropped. "That's so boring! What kind of girl likes-"

In a loud splash, water exploded everywhere and a hoard of Octorocks lept out of the water. A few smaller ones poured out until a lone, giant Octo emerged. Link's shocked expression was quickly smothered as the giant jumped from the fountain and on to him.

"Link!" Zelda screamed, a streak of raw fear slicing through her she watched the hero dissapear under the two ton beast.

As the smaller Octorocks spread through the now screaming town, the big one happily settled itself on Link, glad it had caught him before he started blabbing again. But when it caught sight of the princess, angrily recognizing her from the other day, its frustration rekindled and it began snarling at her as it bitterly reminisced over the bandage on its left eye.

Stepping fearlessly towards the huge, growling beast, her hands began glowing a deep purple; **no one** (or thing) sat on the hero of Hyrule- no matter how... messed up he was.

But as she lifted her flaming hands to furl her furious shots, an arrow shot over her head and right into the unbandaged eye of the seething water beast. It screamed, wailing its tentacles around, ripping apart nearly every vendor's stand in radius before another arrow assailed its other weak, still wounded eye from the last battle.

It disappeared in a very 1989 style of pink puff and smoke with the other monsters ravaging the town, leaving a flattened and dazed hero in its place. Sliding from a run, her knees hit the cobblestone in front of him and her hands checked desperately for a pulse.

His cough surprised her just as much as his voice. "D-Did I win?"

Relieved he was alive, she let out a thankful sigh. "Sort of."

"That deserves a kiss, doesn't it?" He smiled weakly.

She blushed, but ignored his question with one of her own. "How in the world did you survive that, Link?"

A regal voice from over her shoulder caught both of their attentions. "Octorocks may weigh a ton, but their bottoms are as soft and squishy as a little babe's!"

Turning from Link, her quizzical eyes quickly changed to a look of surprise. The owner of the voice was a tall, strong man with long, LONG blonde flowing hair in a white, tight bodysuit outfit. His blue cape wafted behind him as he walked towards him, teeth gleaming in the sun, hair shining and dazzling.

Zelda was astounded by him, able to think of only one question.

"How... do you know what a baby's bum feels like?"

The surprise on his face was overly evident as he faltered mid-stride. He looked as if he had been expecting her to run into his arms instead of critique his underlying baby bum knowledge. But he didn't let it faze him long.

"And she has humor to boot!" His voice sounded like melted butter as he swiftly bowed to her. "Greetings! You must be the fair princess Zelda?"

Zelda's eyes slit. She knew this type; he was one of _**those**__. _

"I am," she consented reluctantly. "And you are...?"

He smiled proudly. "I am prince Facade from Acadia. I have traveled the world and viewed its wonders, but none have been your match to beauty, dear princess."

"Facade?" she coulnd't believe it would be that obvious. Who wrote this stuff?

"Yes, yes; sounds like Fassad." His smile looked as though it were worth a million dollars.

She shook her head. Looking back to Link, who was still sprawled out on the ground and somewhat dazed, she carefully hoisted him up. "Link, where are your manners! Stand up and meet the prince."

His gleaming teeth were becoming blinding the more the prince smiled.

_"Let's get this over with already," _she added inwardly with a groan. Looking back to prince poppycock, Zelda gestured to Link and continued with the introductions. "This is my friend. Well, an acquaintance... I think he's... he's… well, to be honest, I really don't know who he is right now. He sure thinks he's someone."

Link snorted, keeping one hand behind his back while he extended the other to the prince. "_**Link**_." He grumbled under his breath. "Pleasure to meet you, prince Whatsyoname."

"Er, a pleasure, I'm sure." Distracted by the dirt on his outstretched hand, Facade retracted his before it was contaminated by Link's. "Princess, may I offer you a ride back to the castle on my steed?"

Finally noticing the beautiful white stallion behind him, the princess gasped eagerly. "Of course! Thank you!" Running up to it, she had mounted before the prince could even offer his hand to help her up. She stroked its soft mane.

The prince smirked, glad he had pleased the princess so easily. "Oh yes, Magmus is the finest steed in the land. He can carry tw-,"

But the princess had already taken the reigns and bolted off, leaving the two men behind in the dust.

"Two..." he coughed, watching her disappear down the street. "My... she seems like a tough catch. But- all the worthwhile women are!" Brushing the dust fiercely off his shoulders and shooting Link a quick look of disgust, he ran after the princess, leaving the battered boy alone with the mess in Castletown square.

Watching him run off, Link pulled out a pure glass flower from behind his back and looked down at it with an angry sigh. At least making the water flower had worked right, even if the rest of the day seemed to be going downhill.

But he didn't like the way Zelda looked at him... his white horse, white suit. White teeth.

"Honestly," Link growled at his reflection in the petals.

/\/\/\/\/\

Link had never scrubbed so hard in his life. He scrubbed dirt out of places he didn't know dirt could hide and scrubbed his face spotless. He had to be perfectly squeaky clean.

The mock Triforce was still on the pedestal in the middle of his room, watching him, desperate to let him in on the truth. Even if the inadamant object could explain itself, it would do no good to Link in his current state, for his mind was else where.

"I swear," he grumbled, scrubbing his pits extra hard. "It's like Zelda doesn't even know I exist anymore. She's spent all day with that stupid monkey prince, showing him around the castle and hanging on every word he says!"

His door swung open at the kick of a small fairy, but he was so absorbed in his musing that he hardly noticed Sprite fly in, weighed down by the large towel in her hands. Despite her weighty disadvantage, her voice was as high as ever.

"Liiiiink! I brought you a clean towel!" she chimed happily as she flew in and tossed the towels on the chair, glad to have the load off.

"Thanks Sprite..." he began scouring his fingernails for any dirt.

Finally realizing he was talking to someone other than himself, he dove deeper into the bath water. "AH! SPRITE!" He yelped. "Get outta here! I'm taking a bath."

"I know!" her smile was sugary. "You look cuuuute. Need your back scrubbed?"

"NoOoO!" he shot, embarrassed. "I'll handle it myself. D-Did you get those clothes I wanted?"

"I diiiid, but I still think you're making a mistake." She tsked.

He returned to his scrubbing his hazel hair. "Hmph. If Zelda wants a prince, then she'll get a prince."

"Zelda's a snoot!" she huffed, placing her tiny hands on her hips, then smiling slyly. "I like you just the way you are- _especially_ at the moment! Hee hee!"

His cheeks flushed red as he swatted at her with the scrub brush. "OUT! Outta here! Let a guy take a bath in peace!"

Her giggling melded with the flutter of her wings as she flew back through the door. Before she left, her head poked back through the door frame with a giggle. "Are you suuuure you don't need your back scrubbed?"

A bar of soap was promptly whipped at the door, closing it in her eager face.

/\/\/\/\/\

Hosting the prince had been a long and boring task the princess had wished against all day. He vainly babbled on and on about the monsters he had fought, the lands he had saved, the children he had helped, the conditioner and disinfectant spray he used... None of it caught her interest until he mentioned a certain name.

"... and so after I had defeated all fifty of the monsters, I turned my attention to Ganon himself."

Zelda shot up from her gaze out the window. "Wait, you've fought Ganon?"

"Mhh, I have indeed." His head bowed in mock humility. "And I taught that brute quite a lesson too. I-"

"Hi everybody!" The doors at the end of the hall flew open suddenly, and they both turned to the source of the interrupting voice. "Telling lies, eh? Mind if I join you?"

Link stood, spot clean, wearing the deceased King's outfit and royal robe, disgracefully casual in his manor. He looked calm, cool, and in control- to himself, at least. Really, the clothes were much too long for him, and as he walked towards the two, the hem caught his foot and tripped him. It sent him crashing to the floor, and prince Facade began laughing so loud and obnoxiously that the whole of Castletown looked up, annoyed and wondering where the drowning aardvark was at.

Zelda, however, had an unreadable expression on her face, for she hadn't seen the King's wear since she was a young girl. At first, she had been mad that Link would be so ignorant to do such a thing, but between seeing him fall flat on his face and realizing that he had no idea what he was doing, the anger had slipped away. Now, she was simply shocked to see them on Link, the... hero, epically… sprawled on the floor.

Well, perhaps he had been more epic a few seconds ago.

If at all possible, the prince's laughter seemed to grow louder and more obnoxious, and as Link looked up at Zelda's unreadable expression, he felt anger bubbling over. Quickly picking himself up, he stormed back through the doors, almost tripping a second time as he stomped all the way back to his room and slammed his door shut.

"She didn't even say a word! Ptff! Probably laughing too hard inside!" He yanked at the long sleeves of the robe, eager to get them off. "That's it! I've had it."

Sprite cringed as she crept in after him. She had followed him and seen the whole show. "Oh Link, calm down. You did look kinda -er- sorta funny." Now she was nervously laughing. "In a nice sort of way, I mean, uh, but I'm sure Zelda didn't mean-"

"Save it, Sprite. I'm gone." He walked over the window, stuffing his pockets back into place. "If Zelda wants the Triforce or Birforce or _whatever_ the heck she calls it protected, her precious prince can do it! _I quit!_" With that, he jumped from the window, bounced off the tent below and onto his faithful horse.

Sprite's voice carried down from his room, crying out worried and fretful words which he ignored, petting Epona instead. "This place makes me sick. C'mon, let's hit the road, Kathryn."

Epona stopped her happy muffles against her master's hand. _"Kathryn?" _she whinnied unimpressed._ "When did you decided to rename me Kathryn?"_

Nonetheless, she trotted on when he kicked at her sides, slowly moving through the castle gates.

"_Kathryn. What kind of name is that for a horse, anyway?" _Catching his scent, Epona only grew more confused. _"And why does he smell so... so clean?"_

Had he been paying more attention in his stroll through town, Link would have noticed the strange, finned hands climbing out of the fountain and sneaking towards the castle.

* * *

**Link leaving? Octorocks still outraged? No Tacos? What will happen next!**

**Well.. there was my skillfully crafted cliff hanger. This episode along with the next are all based off episode 3, and I have only ONE chapter left. I've never done a humor or parody before, and its been really fun, I must say :)Although, I don't wanna even think of how many times I've had to watch these episodes to perfect the chapters... *Shudders***

**Anyway, sorry if you found this a little dry. It is necessary, thought, cause the last chapter is going out with a bang!**


	6. The Brown Knight

**For everyone who fought with the fishing rod at the beginning of Twilight Princess- this is for you. ****I'm sorry you had to go through that.**

* * *

Facade wiped the last tear from his eye, taking deep breaths to calm himself from his roaring laughter. "My!" he breathed in mock awe. "Does he always put on such a graceful _and_ stylish performance?"

Her mind elsewhere, Zelda remained silent, unable to shake the image of Link's angry and hurt face as he picked himself up off the carpet. What had he been trying to pull?

"No," she finally spoke when she realized she hadn't answered, but said nothing more on the matter. "Facade, the hour grows late. Perhaps you should-"

"Oh! It is indeed," he almost yelped, startling her a little. "That calls for an evening cup of tea; I simply can't sleep without it. Could you have your servants bring some in?"

Under the table, her fists curled impatiently. "You can't really mean to-"

"No, no you're right, I'll have it brought in." He cleared his throat. "SERVANTS! Tea, please!"

Instinctively, the servants clamored through the doors with two cups of steaming tea, bowing and exiting all in the same step. Zelda groaned, not bothering to contain her dismay. Of all the ill-mannered, pestilent tongued men she had dealt with over the years, this one topped them all.

Facade sighed happily as he fondled his teacup. "Princess, I must say, this has been a most pleasant day. I've very much enjoyed our conversation."

She was done playing nice with this guy. "You mean _your_ conversation?"

Either he didn't catch her tone, or he was stupid enough to keep going on. "Well, I suppose I do talk a lot, don't I? But there are just so many wonderful stories to tell about my adventures, and well," he laughed a little, "it seems like you don't really get out much, so I'm sure you don't mind."

She glared daggers at him.

"Besides," his hand tossed listlessly through the air, "nothing exciting ever happens in Hyrule, right?"

Her eye twitched.

Finally realizing he was digging himself into a hole, he attempted to change the conversation. With a nervous laugh, he took a sip of the tea and suddenly sputtered madly. "I say, what type of tea is this? It's… different than what I'm used to."

"That's it!" Zelda stood and threw her napkin on the table. "Between the prissy demands and insults, I don't think I can stand one more moment with you. If the tea isn't to your liking, you can find some in town."

"No," he shuddered. "I mean, there's _reeeaaally_ something different about it. It's almost… fishy. Or something."

She let out an angry breath, picked up her tea cup and tossed the liquid it in his face. But something more than tea came from the cup.

A fish man, looking severely caught off guard, flew from the cup and landed in Facade's lap, and for a moment the only sound in the room was the gentle wind coming in from the windows. Prince Puffypants looked from the creature on him to the startled princess with a completely shocked expression. The creature looked just as surprised.

"W-What type of tea d-did you say this was?" Facade finally stuttered.

In one terrifying moment, a scaly arm reached out from the tea cup in the prince's hand, stretching towards the roof and letting its fin's fan out. When a good moment of tension had built and the scary background music suddenly cut out, the cup erupted with a multitude of finned, human-like monsters as another hoard spilled from Zelda's cup which had fallen at her feet.

"Who are you?" Zelda demanded, but the creatures only let out a gurgled laugh and charged at her. She ducked under the table and ran to the fireplace, grabbing the fishing line decoration on the wall. Thankfully, it was fully operational.

"Facade!" she yelled over the loud noises the fish men were making. "Here!" The rod went spiraling through the air and he caught it just as it flew over his head.

"A fishing rod?" He looked back at her blankly, then to the creature still on his lap, which he forcefully shoved off. "What do you want me to do with a-"

"They're fish people!" Her frustration with this man could not get any higher. "What do you think?"

The gargling noise suddenly stopped, and the fish men looked offended.

"Hey! We're not 'fish-men,'" one articulated with bouncing, webbed fingers. "We're Zolas. You could address us with a name, not some made up label."

"Oh…" Zelda blinked slowly. "You can talk."

"Labels hurt feelings, you know," it continued, now shuffling its feet along the ground with an expectant look on its face. "An apology would be nice. And maybe some tacos, too. We hear you've had in influx of those lately."

The princess squinted at them closer. "Zoras?"

"NO!" another yelled in the background, clearly offended. "We're like… like the pre-Ocarina version of them. But we're _baaad_."

"Yeah," they chimed, throwing their gilled fists to the air in remembrance of why they were there. "We're bad!"

"Right." Zelda shook her head, wondering if she were dreaming again- that is, until they all started moving towards her, and she backed away quickly. For a minute, she wished Link would decide to show up, but considering his previous outburst, she had a feeling she wouldn't see him for a while. "Facade, now would be a good time to utilize that fishing rod!"

Over the multitude of angry Zolas, the prince was whipping the rod around wildly, seething at the seemingly simple device. "How in the world does this stupid thing work? I'm not catching _anything_! Who designes this stuff?"

Zelda smacked her forehead.

"Seriously!" he growled. "I've been trying for five minutes already!"

Before she could strangle him, a pair of slimy hands grabbed her ankles and pulled her weight from under her. She hit the floor with a thud as another pair of hands grabbed her wrists, and the slime on their hands hardened leaving her hands tied behind her back. Laughing in a foreign tongue, the two monsters swung her through the open window from the high up dining hall and she hurdled to the ground.

All she could hear was the wind screaming around her until the sound of a high pitched, girly scream erupted.

It was Facade, looking out the window in horror at the falling princess.

/\/\/\/\

Far, far, off in the distance, two pointed ears tweaked at the sound of a scream. "Did you hear that?" Link asked aloud.

"_Maybe Kathryn heard it. Ask her," _Epona whinnied sarcastically. _"Kathryn has big ears and hasn't gone on life changing journey's with you and has never told you to hurry and change back to your true form and I AM NOT KATHRYN!"_

Epona's inner turmoil went unbeknownst to the hero, for his attention was turned back to the towering castle's figure. "That was Zelda, I just know it! I-I…" he groaned, tugging on the reigns and ushering Epona back the way they came. He couldn't do nothing, knowing that the princess was in danger. Even if she was a jerk.

"I'm such a sucker."

/\/\/\/\/\

Seeing the ground getting closer and closer, the princess readied herself for certain and painful doom. But instead of hitting the ground, she landed in another pair of slimy arms. Open her eyes, she was met with the sight of another fish man. The Zola who had caught her began running from the palace with the frozen princess in its arms while the prince yelled her name from the window.

Seeing the castle get farther and farther away, she felt a sense of relief wash over her.

"I could almost thank you," she began to the Zola, who looked down at her confusedly. "Yeah, well you try spending a day with that excuse of a prince. I thought I would never get away from him."

The Zola nodded understandingly. "Yeah, Façade is a pain in the gills."

She looked at the fish man dubiously. "You know him?"

"Wish I didn't. He came to our land once and… and…" the creature swallowed hard. "He forced all of us to use his brand name conditioner and disinfectant spray! We live in the water! We're clean... right?"

Zelda shook her head apologetically. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

The Zola sniffled, trying to repress the bad memory. There was silence between them for a moment.

"So…" she asked eventually, remembering she was talking to an evil creature. "Where are you taking me?"

"You'll meet your doom in time," it hissed, returning to the evil mindset it was supposed to have.

She was about to ask what exactly she had done to offend Zolas, but looking over its shoulder, a more important issue surfaced.

The prince was riding after her, looking noble and brave as the wind flew through his hair.

"I don't suppose you could go a little faster, could you?" she motioned behind them, and the Zola looked back with a gasp. His pace sped up.

"Don't worry, princess!" Facade called from his steed as he waved the fishing rod back and forth. "I finally figured this thing out! Only took about twenty minutes of practice. Things just aren't what they use to be with new Wii technology, you know. Like that time I fought off two hundred Moblins on my-"

"Can't you go any faster?" she pleaded. The prince was getting closer, which meant they would have to hear his story front to cover.

"Almost… there…" it wheezed between anxious breaths.

Looking over the hill, the princess suddenly realized where they were going. "The marsh?" she asked quizzically. "Why are you taking me to the marsh?"

"BECAUSE HE WON"T GO THERE!" the Zola screamed in righteous terror, running even faster towards the muddy water. It jumped with a great leap, narrowly escaping the end of the prince's fishing rod and story.

"And so I said- AHHIEIE!" Seeing the mud, the prince brought his horse to a screeching halt, a terrible grimace on his face. "Oh no. Nonononono."

"Don't worry! I'll be fine," Zelda hollered from the arms to the Zola. "Really, go on with out me. I'll just... yeah. I'll figure something out."

The worried prince ran a hand through his hair. "I'm terribly sorry, but heroes don't get dirty; simply not fashionable."

She stopped, and her hopeful look changed to a void expression. "What was that?"

"I said, 'heroes don't get dirty.'" Facade shrugged.

Her eye twitched.

The Zola had a split second to sense that something worse than Facade was about to unleash itself before Zelda's anger bubbled over, melting the hardened slime around her wrists and zapping the Zola. The energy hit it so hard that it paralyzed his whole body, and the princess dropped to the mud.

Facade cringed as though he had seen death itself- the sludge, of course.

Covered in mud, Zelda stood and held a large, dripping piece of it in her hand. Her hair had fallen into her face, casting a dark and scary shadow over her usually calm and regal composure. "Heroes don't get dirty, eh?"

He backed up nervously, trotting his horse along with him. "Now, princess, surely you can understand…"

A smile cracked her blank stare.

"Z-Zelda, this is hardly proper behavior for a lady of your stature."

She stepped forward.

"You know," the pitch in his voice cracked. "I think you were right, and I should be on my way now. Only, maybe you should get some better- OH! Stink!"

The sound of horse hooves clamored from behind the prince. He turned just in time to see Link jumping from his steed to the ledge overlooking the swamp. He landed flawlessly next to him. "Stink!" Facade sighed in relief. "Oh thank goodness you're here. You must save the princess!"

"It's Link," he deadpanned, glaring at the prince. "What's the danger? Moblins? Octorocks? Ganon? I know I heard Zelda scream."

"Link!" Although reluctant to drop the mud cake and waste her chance, she was relieved to see him, too. "That was Facade's scream you heard."

"Oh?" Link glanced at the prince with a smirk.

The prince stayed right where he was, reeling back at the appalling mire and sludge, although slightly offended that his scream had been likened to that of a girl's. "Mine is a manly scream!"

"Right. Well, if her royal prissiness would allow me…" looking to where Zelda stood, her hair streaked with dirt, her face and bare arms covered in mud, Link trailed off with a smile. "You know, you _are_ my kind of girl," he grinned as he jumped into the mud.

Despite herself, she smiled a little. Why did he have to be so darn loyal? Right when she had the chance of a lifetime, too. "Where did you run off to, anyway Link?"

The sparkles in his eyes quickly shattered. "Hey, excuuuuse me, princess, but I was tired of being left out while this glamorous prince swept you off your feet. And noooo, even when I dress up like him- still not good enough for you!"

Zelda finally let the mud fall from her hand, back into the mire all around her. "Link, I can't stand this guy! But it's part of my job to extend hospitality to him on behalf of the kingdom. Trust me; if I didn't have to, I wouldn't."

"Well I never," the prince frowned jealously, but Link seemed to cheer up a little.

Her voice grew serious as she continued. "And those were my father's clothes… you were wearing."

"So?" Link smirked as he helped the princess up the ledge and back onto the grassy hill. "I know your dad has a terrible sense of fashion, but I'm sure I couldn't look any worse than prince poppycock here."

"Why you little…" the prince seethed, but no one was listening.

"Besides, I'm sure you're dad wouldn't mind me borrowing one outfit. He always did say... uhh, well he's said a lot of weird things. And he always has that look... like he's super spaced out." Link trailed off a little. "Yeah. I don't think he'd even notice."

The princess felt a knife twist through her heart at Link's innocent quip. Whoever he had just explained was clearly not her father. "My father is dead, Link."

He froze, shock chocking his voice. "D-Dead?"

Their eyes locked as she reached out to help pull him up. It was the first time she had heard him say anything completely serious since he had turned up at the castle, and although she knew Link didn't understand, she felt something might have clicked into place. Deep in that brain, something hit. Somewhere. Something. Somehow.

Yes, something hit alright, but it wasn't anything sensical. With fierce velocity, the fishing rod cracked into the side of Link's head and he fell back into the mud.

"Link!" the princess gasped in shock as he crumpled into the dark water, eyes glazed over in confusion and pain. Outraged, she turned on the prince, shoving her finger into his nose. "Just _WHO_ do you think you are? Waltzing into my kingdom, expecting me to entertain you all day and listen to your endless self-praise, and you'd have the nerve to attack the hero of twilight after refusing to save me from a _swamp_?"

"I…I.." he stuttered, backing away from her.

"You can't even use a stupid fishing rod right!" she nearly screamed.

"H-Hey, I'm not the only one that had to look up a walkthrough for-"

Before he could start on anther rant, the princess shoveded him off the ledge into the swamp. He screamed like a wild woman for a moment and then passed out, foaming at the mouth and caked in mud.

Zelda didn't waste any time jumping back down to the semi conscious hero. "Link?" she whispered desperately, shaking him by the shoulders. "Link?"

His head rolled back and fourth in his half-aware stare as though he were fighting something terribly terrible. "Kiss… me…" his words were sharp, then he jerked his head and let out strange battle yells Zelda had heard before. Or horse calls. She had never really been sure about those.

All the screaming finally roused the frozen Zola, whose paralysis was wearing off. Seeing the princess kneeling next to the source of the noise, it began crawling towards them with revenge written all over its face.

"Wait," Zelda drew its attention away from her towards the unconscious prince Facade. "Think of what he did to you. Remember all the pain he caused you and your people."

Mid-crawl, the Zola stopped to look the direction she had gestured, and a single tear rolled freely. Its cheeks tightened, and it crawled towards the prince instead. Zelda smiled, sighing in relief. Finally, Facade would get what was coming to him.

Looking up the ledge, she whistled for Epona and hauled the passed out hero onto her shoulder.

/\/\/\/\/\

The ride back to the castle had been silent. Silent, because Link was slung unconscious over the back of the saddle. So Zelda rode in the rare silence, her thoughts eating away at her.

"_What if Link is stuck like this forever? I mean, he's not as bad as that sad excuse of a prince. But… what if we need a real hero again?"_

Epona, now over her ranting, whinnied sadly, seeming to pick up on her thoughts.

"I know he's still a hero, Epona. He's just not the hero of our time." She looked back at his strange tunic with a frown. "What if our Link is still trapped in there somewhere?"

Then it hit her.

Link _was_ still in there. He wouldn't have jumped into the mud after her otherwise. He wouldn't have gone to the castle if he hadn't misguidedly believed she needed help. Sure, it looked a little different, but he was continually loyal to her. Sure, it was the mindset of some previously twisted life of his, but somewhere, deep within the mind of that confused, misled, arrogant, perverted, cocky -Epona interrupted with a whinny, and Zelda felt that if she could speak she would have imparted ancient, universe bending words about inner peace.

That, or she was adding to the list.

Anyway, the hero of her world was still in there, and she owed him enough to help him out in his time of need. Her head tilted down, the moonlight casting a shadow over her eyes.

"Whoa, whoa Epona." Pulling back on the reigns, the faithful steed came to a halt.

_"Dirty, double-crossing, back-stabbing, name forgetting, horrib-huh?"_ Craning her neck back, Epona realized that Zelda was letting her fingers brush over Link's dirty, beaten cheeks.

"No matter whats come over him, he _was_ truly brave. He always had been," the princess whispered.

The horse's eyes grew in shock. At least triple.

Without fully realizing it, her lips began to draw to his. "He really is a good guy. A little mixed up and clumsy, but he had a good heart."

Epona scowled in disgust. Really? Was this really happening on her back?

She leaned closer. She could feel his breath on her cheek. She could- "AHH!"

The two bodies went flying through the air. Link, luckily, landed in a near by tree, but Zelda hit the ground with a groan. Shoving the pain aside, she pushed herself up and jumped for Link's dangling foot in attempts to pull him down.

"Link," her cheeks flushed as she hopped up and down. "Link, are you okay?" Finally snagging his foot, his body quickly untangled from the branches and he landed next to Zelda with a thud and a groan.

Rolling over onto his behind and using his arms to support his upper body, he looked up in surprise at the sight of the princess, who was bent over him with a worried expression.

"Here, let me help you up." She extended a hand to him. "We should get back to the castle before it gets any later. You've had a long day."

Rubbing his head, he accepted her hand and hoisted himself up behind her in the saddle, and Epona whinnied in victory.

_"Of course," _the princess groaned at their closeness, already imagining him wrapping his arms around her and using this as the perfect chance to make a move. If he could get past Epona's sharp eyes, that is.

But he didn't. In fact, he seemed to try to place a little room between them.

Although she would deny it the rest of her life, Zelda almost felt a twinge of disappointment. She looked back and was about to ask if he was okay when it hit her.

_He hadn't said a word._

_He hadn't tried to hit on her OR kiss her for the last five minutes. _

_The hit to the head_.

Turning with feelings of relief washing over her, she vocalized her realization. "Link! You're back to normal!"

His dark, feral eyes locked with hers in a look of confusion that only doubled when he looked down at what he was wearing.

She sighed. "Yeah, let's get back to the castle and find you something color coordinated. You're going to feel a lot better about yourself."

/\/\/\/\/\

"…and since then you've been here, protecting this flower vase and causing a lot of... well… problems. Yeah, most of them were problems."

Link looked from the flower vase to the princess back to the flower vase with darkening cheeks. _"So this whole kissing the princess thing wasn't just a nightmare," _he felt embarrassment well within as his complexion grew a deeper red. _"I guess that explains the castle staff's cold shoulder towards me. And the unnatural urge to run around in my pajamas."_

An awkward silence filled the room that Zelda wasn't sure how to handle. Usually Link would interject with some cheeky comment at this point or attempt to woo her, but he just sat on the bed with his eyes glued to the floor, consumed in his thoughts.

She sighed, taking the decoration from the middle of the room back to its place beside his bed. She couldn't believe it, but she almost didn't want to move it.

"Link…" she finally started. "It's been a long week for you. Rest, and we'll talk tomorrow."

He nodded slowly.

"I… I can answer any questions you have. Anything to help."

He nodded again, eyes still on the floor.

She sighed. "I'm sorry you had to go through this."

The silence stung, more than Zelda wanted to admit. She had forgotten how quiet Link actually was. "Well…" her voice trailed off. "Goodnight. See you tomorrow."

Her feet sounded like a ticking clock as she walked from the room back down the hall.

"_How long have I been out?" _Link finally wondered to himself as he looked out the window. _"And where are my pj's...?"_

/\/\/\/\/\/\

It felt like it had been hours that Link had been walking around. He simply couldn't sleep. He was too restless and had far too much on his mind to be at peace. The last thing he could clearly remember was dunking his head into the Ordon river, trying to wash away his troubles.

Now, however, it seemed he had a larger problem at hand.

What had he done to the poor princess of Hyrule and to Hyrule itself? How could he have treated her as he had?

He groaned, pulling his hair in frustration and embarrassment. Everything felt like a dream to him- a terrible and murky dream. Although he didn't really know what he had done, he felt nothing but guilt thinking about the possibilities.

His footsteps echoed through the empty corridor. A guard looked up at him as he passed by with a grimace that only made the hero feel worse.

"_I... I imagine everyone at home is worried sick…"_ he looked out across the horizon towards the forest. _"Maybe it'll be best if I leave now, and save the princess more trouble. I'm sure I've done enough damage here."_

No sooner had he thought the thought had he turned the corner and froze. A single, solitary figure stood in the dark hallway, covered in shadow, blocking his path.

"Link," they knew his name, and somehow he knew their voice. He stepped back a little, wary of the suspicious person.

There was another moment of silence, when suddenly they jumped at him. "Liiink, do you know what today is?"

His jaw almost dropped.

In the most natural yet teasing way, Zelda weaved her arm through his, running a few fingers over his chest. "Today is the first day of spring! Did you know that?" She paused to wave a wilted flower under his nose. "And do you feel strong and brave and handsome?"

"_If I know anything at this point, it's that its not the first day of spring…" _he tried not to eye her suspiciously._ "And that Zelda doesn't wear boots that high. Or pants. Or boots at all."_

"Well?" Her look was expectant. She was practically leaning on him.

Link simply stood there, dumbfounded. _"Why is Zelda wearing pants? And why did she make her hair so poofy?"_

"I'll take that as a yes, then!" Her chipper dropped a little, but she was still on her toes with each word of her one sided conversation. "That's good, cause the first day of spring means spring cleaning!"

From behind her back, she shoved a broom into Link's chest, catching him off guard and knocking the air from his lungs. He took it in his hands, starting at it like it was the eighth wonder of the world.

"This castle needs to be cleaned from top to bottom, and _you're_ going to help!"

Beyond the strangeness in her eyes, despite the strangeness of the moment… Link couldn't help but feel that this had all been done before. Somehow.

He pinched himself and winced a little.

No.

This wasn't a dream.

* * *

**Poor Link- he never gets a break. Haha, anyway, if you've read this through, then thank you so much! And many many thanks to everyone who had reviewed- I appreciate each one of them. I'm sorry the last chapter was so terribly long, but I didn't want to split it up.**

**Please let me know what you think!**


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